Today, without any kind of explanation or warning, I found that my account over at Threads had been blocked from posting new content, or responding to any other posts on the site, until October 3.
Why? Who the Zuck knows.
It started when I followed an Instagram link to a certain video. The video was responding to MAGA threats to start shooting liberals. I made a comment (on Instagram) that MAGA was a terrorist movement. WHICH IT DEFINITELY FUCKING IS. That’s a subject for another day.
My IG account was immediately suspended until I could prove I was human, which was easy enough. But hopping back onto Threads, I was unable to respond to any posts there, nor create any of my own. I’m in Threads jail until October 3.
My suspension was given with no warning, no recourse, no explanation, no nothing.
I’m not the only one facing capricious removal of content or suspension of accounts on Threads. Users are seeing posts deleted, accounts wiped away, and generally being shoved aside or buried in an algorithm that is hell-bent on burying the truth.
Last week Threads deemed a comment of mine from the Vietnam era that “we had to burn the village in order to save it” was somehow promoting violence. Which of course was bullshit, but good luck getting the brain-dead idiots working for Meta to understand that. Here are some more examples.
Here’s Threads taking down my post linking to the “Shady Vance” dossier in PDF form because it was flagged as “malware”.
Here’s Threads removing a post that cited a Joseph Goebbels quote.
Here’s Threads removing a post saying we have to vote in huge numbers in November.
Here’s Threads removing a post with a generic expression of just having had enough of human stupidity.
Here’s Threads hiding a post for the goddamned dumbest reason you could imagine.
Threads started out as a nice, easy alternative to the toxic swamp that Twitter had become. It has since been overtaken by the same domineering, fascist elements that look to suppress dissent any way they can. It allows racist and misogynist content to remain on the platform, while capriciously removing speech it perceives as a “threat” and suspending users for reasons that are unclear.
Go Zuck yourself, Mark. And take your stinking social media empire with you.
So there’s this thing going around about a leaked document from a certain political campaign about oppo research. None of it is particularly surprising, except that for whatever reason a certain tech company has an unusual interest in preventing links posted to said document. They are taking action to block any post that links to the document.
Having seen every single Star Trek movie multiple times, I feel like I’m qualified to wander onto the Internet and tell everyone which of these movies suck and which ones don’t. Just to be clear: this isn’t just my opinion, these rankings are fact. Don’t feel free to disagree, because then you’d be wrong and stupid.
Off we go!
13. Star Trek: Into Darkness
This is the only entry I refuse to preface with “This is not a bad movie”. This is a bad movie.
Star Trek: Into Darkness tries too hard to capture the magic of Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan. In doing so fails both the hardcore and casual Star Trek fans so completely, I wonder how exactly this movie came into existence.
For what it’s worth, the first half hour or so (and a few bits beyond) of this film captures the camaraderie between the crew and the idea of exploring (and potentially saving) Strange New Worlds. We see fascinating interactions between Kirk, who bends a few rules, and Spock, who doesn’t understand why telling the truth on an official report is a bad thing. We are caught in a lover’s spat between Spock and Uhura. Later on we see Klingons unmasked, and honestly, they look really badass in this film. These moments are nicely handled.
But then this movie breaks out a big old sledgehammer with the words “WRATH OF KHAN” imprinted on it, and proceeds to beat you across the skull with it, and the results are as dumb as any Trek fan would expect.
The biggest question: why make Khan the villain in this movie, and even more so, why not introduce the crew of the Botany Bay a la Space Seed? We have a great film with Khan as the villain. This never had a chance of measuring up. Why, for example, could Gary Mitchell not have been the villain?
The follow-up question: Why the lame attempt at “we need to start a war with the Klingons” that we saw handled much better in Star Trek VI?
The follow-follow-up question for Khan: why are we casting a British actor in a role envisioned as an Asian dictator played originally by a Spaniard? I won’t fault Benedict Cumberbatch, since he delivers the goods through solid acting, but c’mon. The character is named Khan Noonien Singh. If you can’t find a person of color to portray this character, then you suck at not sucking.
Then there are the decisions that are just plain weird.
Why cast Alice Eve as Dr. Carol Marcus? Why does Carol Marcus have a British accent when her “father” in the movie, Admiral Alexander Marcus, talks like RoboCop? Why does the Admiral have to be Carol’s father? If you’re not going to have Carol Marcus eventually bear Kirk’s son David, why even have her in the movie in the first place? It reads like one dumb decision after another.
And don’t get me started on the idea that Khan’s blood and tribbles are the key to immortality. Trek is notorious for introducing magical fixes that would otherwise change the nature of the galaxy, but of course, we’ve pretty much forgotten about this even before the credits roll.
The whole movie seems like a lame attempt to build up to Kirk fixing the Enterprise, then Spock watches him die so he can shout “KHAAAAANNN!”
God, I hate this stupid, stupid movie.
12. Star Trek: Nemesis
I hate having to put this movie so near the bottom, but there really isn’t any other place for it.
There is an abundance of wonderful character moments in this film. I absolutely love the wedding reception for Troi and Riker. I adored Guinan’s brief appearance. The “Were we Picards always explorers?” dialogue between Shinzon and Jean-Luc was fascinating. The space battles were pulled off fairly well. Jean-Luc ordering the Enterprise to ram into the Scimitar was genuinely spectacular. I appreciated the scene where Commander Data sacrificed his being, and you can bet I shed a few tears at his wake.
And of course, there’s the wonderful score by Jerry Goldsmith.
But there’s just too much to dislike. For example: having another Dr. Soong creation sprung upon the Enterprise this late in the game. Having B4 be part of an elaborate ruse to something something blah blah blah. Introducing a companion race to the Romulan empire that we’ve never heard of until now. Introducing pointless chase scenes into the movie. Seriously, why are Tusken Raiders chasing Picard after he’s recovered B4? Is this supposed to be entertaining? I am not entertained.
And most unforgivably, the scene where Deanna Troi is mentally raped during her honeymoon. What the actual hell was that doing in this movie?
Worf and Crusher and Geordie were sent to the back burners, another travesty.
The writing for this movie was a complete mess. Shinzon was potentially a really interesting character. Maybe if the writers had jettisoned the Remans altogether and given Shinzon a path to command as a Picard clone, this might have been an interesting send-off for the Next Generation crew.
Alas, this movie will be forever remembered as the dying breath of the Berman era. And maybe it was time.
11. Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Obligatory “This is not a bad movie”. I re-watched this not long ago, and the concepts and the visual effects are all pretty solid.
But man oh man, is Star Trek: The Motion Picture ever a slog. To its credit, it manages to be a solid film in an era where TV to film translations were in their infancy.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a trippy visual feast like 2001: A Space Odyssey, and that’s clearly the vibe that director Robert Wise was going for. Long, lingering shots of V’Ger and shots of lights dancing across the surface of the vessel and a slow, simmering voyage into the depths of this mighty entity which grew out of the simple craft that was Voyager Six.
And then Spock gets in his jet suit and travels through the depths of V’Ger and we’re treated to even more long, lingering shots of V’Ger and shots of lights dancing across the surface of the vessel and a slow, simmering voyage into the depths of this mighty entity which grew out of the simple craft that was Voyager Six.
And then the Enterprise travels even further into V’Ger and I’ll spare you the description of what happens next. But there are long, lingering shots.
The magical glue that binds it all together is the masterful score of Jerry Goldsmith, which defined not only the original Trek movies but that of Star Trek: The Next Generation as well.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture might have been more successful critically if it had taken even a few moments to focus more on its characters. What did Chekov learn on this voyage? What about Uhura? How about Sulu? Did any of these characters learn anything but to stare in wonder at the forward viewscreen?
Though it must be noted that Spock rejected the Kolinahr because of the allure of V’Ger, and so the impact of the Motion Picture cannot be fully dismissed.
10. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
There’s actually a decent movie buried at the core of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. We get to see spot-on character moments, exciting action scenes, and an absolutely gorgeous score by Jerry Goldsmith. Glimpses of original Star Trek characters being who they ought to be.
Alas, it’s all handled like an ape juggling a pile of plates.
And while it’s not fair to blame William Shatner for everything that went wrong with The Final Frontier, it’s clear that his ego didn’t exactly help with the storytelling. At the outset, his heroic Captain Kirk is shown free-climbing El Capitan, while Chekov and Sulu end up lost in the woods somehow. Good grief, Shat, there’s no need to remind everyone you’ve got top billing in this franchise. Let some of the other characters do stuff other than act as comic relief.
The opening scene of The Final Frontier shows how Sybok uses his powers of persuasion to build his cult. We’re off to a good start here. A wonderful performance from Laurence Luckenbill and excellent parallels to happenings on modern-day earth give the feeling this will be an interesting and provocative Star Trek film.
And then we fade to the title sequence.
And the the title words Star Trek V: The Final Frontierwobble into the frame. They freaking wobble.
How does a special effects house screw up a title sequence on a major motion picture like this? Well, if you’re Bran Ferren, you can also make starships wobble through space and make a big-budget film look like a home video shot by third graders. I understand ILM was busy with other movies at the time, but the end result on this movie was a travesty. The Enterprise-A is inexplicably (I would say unnecessarily) hobbled at the outset by poor construction. Scotty thinks it was put together by monkeys, but I say it was put together by Bran Ferren.
So as the story goes forward, Kirk is of course the center of it all. The ship is a mess but Admiral Whatsisname is sending the Enterprise because “I need Jim Kirk”. Sybok captures the Enterprise and during an interesting attempt to reveal the “secret pain” of the Kirk/Spock/McCoy troika, Kirk doesn’t submit to Sybok’s brainwashing, of course. “I don’t want my pain taken away. I need my pain!” And by the end of the film, wouldn’t you know it, Kirk is asking the important question of “What does God need with a starship?” before before being beamed away in a moment of brutal anticlimax.
So many questionable decisions. Why make Sybok a Vulcan? Let alone, half-brother of Spock? Why? Why make the Enterprise-A such a disaster? Why did the Federation, the Romulans, and the Klingons would build a “Planet of Galactic Peace(TM)” on a backwater dustball where the settlers were guaranteed to squabble? What the heck were the Klingon antagonists doing in this movie? (Could it be Shatner wanted Kirk to have a fistfight with Klaa, but they ran out of time and/or budget to film it? It’s as good a guess as any given the colossal letdown that was the climax of Star Trek V.)
Star Trek V has no lasting implications for the series, makes no attempt to philosophize about the Almighty apart from “maybe he’s here in the human heart”, makes no effort to make any kind of statement apart from: “Hey look at me everyone! I’m William Shatner!” Definitely a movie you can skip.
9. Star Trek: Beyond
Star Trek: Beyond, like its execrable predecessor, starts strongly before devolving into a yet another mostly pointless series of Kelvin-era action sequences. At least this time, they had the good sense to hand over some of the writing duties to Simon Pegg, who plays Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott but also seems to understand the heart of Star Trek and its fans.
At the outset, Kirk is narrating his Captain’s Log, reflecting on the tedium of the five year mission and how life on the Enterprise has become somewhat mundane for the crew. The only excitement happening is McCoy, for whatever reason, decides to break into Chekov’s locker and steal a beautiful bottle of Scotch with the pretense that it’s Kirk’s birthday. (The two raise a toast on screen that is actually a touching tribute to the loss of Chekov actor Anton Yelchin.)
Then along comes a the bad guy, and the Enterprise is boarded and dismembered bit by bit, and the crew is forced to abandon ship in a thrilling (and I must admit, heartbreaking) sequence. From that on, it’s a pretty boilerplate story that has the lead “alien” somehow being Idris Elba as a former Starfleet officer and there are motorcycle chases and fistfights and… honestly I haven’t watched this movie more than a couple of times. I remember enjoying the movie overall, but I also remember I didn’t buy the villain’s motives, and I wished the movie could have finished as strongly as it started.
But I also felt like the people in charge of the Trek film franchise did their best to make up for the awful steaming pile that was Into Darkness, and for that, I’m grateful. And it gave us a look the U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-A. Not bad.
8. Star Trek: Generations
I was more hyped for the release of Star Trek: Generations than I was for any other Trek movie, ever. I had fallen deeply in love with Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the implications of a collaboration between Kirk and Picard had me feeling all tingly. The crossover event of all time!
Alas, the movie couldn’t cross over its own expectations.
I don’t know what was worse about Generations: that it killed Captain James T. Kirk not once, but twice, and both times he died in the lamest way possible: the first time by swapping out some technobabble in the engineering bay, and the second time, reaching for the remote. Why even kill Kirk in the first place?
It’s also a crime that Kirk never got to set foot on the Enterprise-D and that the two captains had so little real screen time together.
Roddy McDowell gave a fine performance as a villain, and had some wonderful lines, and I understood Soran’s desire to return to the Nexus at the cost of an entire planet. But the effectiveness of Soran is compromised at every turn lazy and awful writing (“no other way” to get into the Nexus? please), bad science (a missile fired into a star dims it right away, when it should have been several minutes for the light to reach the planet), and an inexplicable team-up with long-time Klingon sisters Lursa and B’etor.
And the movie suffers from just weird and dumb stuff that somehow made it to screen. Like, Riker orders Worf to fire a “spread” of photon torpedoes at the bird of prey attacking them. At the critical moment, Worf fires a single torpedo that somehow magically goes back in time to destroy General Chang’s bird of prey from Star Trek VI. It’s hard to know what anyone was thinking on this production.
At its best, though, Generations has some wonderful character moments for the crew of the Enterprise-D. Picard’s devastating off-camera loss of his brother Robert gave Sir Patrick Stewart a chance to shine and bring even more depth to the character. And it gets even better later in the film, as Picard lives his ideal life with his fictional Nexus family. Data receiving his emotion chip was another highlight; I’ve always argued exploring his humanity could have been the focus of a whole separate movie.
This movie needed to feel bigger than it was, but unfortunately it just has too many things going on, and not enough time to give it much heft in the greater Star Trek universe. At least it gave us a spectacular crash of the saucer section, and an excuse for the franchise to bring us the Enterprise-E.
7. Star Trek: Insurrection
Star Trek: Insurrection is a fine little movie, with a decent story and interesting character development, deft direction from Jonathan Frakes, decent cinematography, and solid performances. And also a pretty good space battle thrown in for good measure. Oh and lest I forget, the always sensational score by Jerry Goldsmith.
There really isn’t anything wrong with this film, apart from that it doesn’t really justify its existence as a movie instead of a two-parter in a season of The Next Generation. One by one we’re introduced to elements that we’ve never heard of and have little reason to care: A remote planet. A new civilization. A generic admiral. A generic villain. A love interest for Picard. And once the movie is over, we’ll never see them again. We don’t get to learn whether Picard spends some shore leave with Anij, nor does there appear to be any fallout for Jean-Luc’s refusal to obey orders from Starfleet. You could skip this movie without feeling you’ve missed much.
The one lasting thing that Insurrection did deliver was a delight to behold: the rekindling of the sparks between Riker and Troi. I was surprised that not only did they stay together, but even got themselves hitched in the next movie! The “reset button” that Trek usually hits at the end of every episode is mercifully skipped. Riker and Troi have their happy ending (one that even lasts into the Picard TV series). So this was nice.
Even if Insurrection left me wanting a little more there there, at least it was an entertaining little diversion.
6. Star Trek
2009’s re-launch of the Star Trek franchise was an unusual beast: simultaneously a sequel, a prequel, and a reboot, it figured out a way to get a soft reset and define the Trek universe on its own terms: the Kelvin Timeline. The concept worked brilliantly; those who were familiar with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy could be reintroduced to these characters, while newcomers could be brought up to speed with who they were when they were young.
The movie didn’t shy away from Easter eggs for Trek geeks: A green Orion female! Sulu fencing! Christopher Pike in a wheelchair! We even got to see the Kobiyashi Maru simulation for the first time on screen. But best of all, the movie found a way to give us Leonard Nimoy as Spock. Spock was the cement that held together the old timeline and the new, and lent serious cred to this new series.
The cast obviously knows they’re stepping into some pretty big shoes, and for the most part it’s fine. Neither Sulu nor Uhura nor Scotty bear much resemblance to their old selves, and I’m still trying to figure out why Anton Yelchin, who looks nothing like Walter Koenig, was cast as Chekov.
The script for the film is the kind of big dumb thing you’d expect from its director. It’s a shame that J.J. Abrams didn’t think movie audiences were clever enough to enjoy Star Trek without lots of shakey-cam, lots of explosions, lots of fights and shoot-outs, and barrages of lens flares. Star Trek also contains way too much bad science, too many plot holes, and too many leaps of logic. It’s better not to think of this movie as a Star Trek film, but as a movie that has Star Trek characters in it.
And that’s the thing that makes the movie work: the characters. Watching Uhura spar with Kirk feels right. Watching Bones and Kirk bond for the first time feels right. I couldn’t even find any way to be outraged about the relationship between Uhura and Spock. It worked. It just felt right. Even if these characters are vastly different from the way they were portrayed originally, you get the sense they’re being treated with respect for the series that came before.
The sweeping score by Michael Giacchino may not be as iconic as Jerry Goldsmith’s, but it’s still grand and fitting. And when the credits roll and we’re treated to the original TV theme, it was a perfect endcap to a movie that knew better than to try to anger its fan base.
5. Star Trek III: The Search For Spock
Now we’re getting to the really good stuff.
I recently re-watched Star Trek III in my fancy new VR headset, and I was surprised to find how much I enjoyed it and how well-made it really is. To me it hits just the right balance between humor, drama, tragedy, and hope. The camera is allowed to linger and marvel. We the viewer can enjoy a leisurely journey, instead of being barraged by events. This is how I like my movies. Not all shakey-cam.
“The death of Spock is like an open wound,” Kirk laments in his Captain’s Log, and I know just how he feels, having been a 12 year old kid sobbing on his living room floor for almost an entire day. Right away, we understand what motivates Kirk to break every rule Starfleet has in order to steal his crippled ship and find his old friend.
This film doesn’t shy away from gut punches. We witness both the brutal murder of Kirk’s son David, and the gradual destruction of our favorite starship. Rest in peace, Enterprise. Watching your hull implode felt like one of the most depressing events I’ve ever witnessed.
The Search For Spock also gives us a number of nice character moments for almost everyone. Uhura has a nice bit with “Mr. Adventure”, we have Sulu’s “Don’t call me tiny” and Bones muttering “That green-blooded sonuvabitch” and the best parting line of all from Kirk: “I kick have HAD kick enough of YOU!” *BOOT*
The visual and effects in this movie are striking, with the approach of Enterprise to space dock being maybe my favorite out of any Star Trek film of all. The movie is made all the more beautiful by James Horner’s score, with its soaring strings and themes that started in Star Trek II and continued here.
Only a couple of gripes. Chekov mostly sits around in this film and doesn’t contribute a whole lot. Also, I wish that there hadn’t been whatever weird salary snag that saw Kirstie Alley replaced as Saavik. I know many fans prefer Robin Curtis to Alley, but I’m just not one of them. Didn’t help that I had a huge crush on Saavik at the time, either.
In any event, the events of Star Trek III served as a springboard for the highly entertaining Voyage Home that would follow.
4. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
Nicholas Meyer’s triumphant return to the director’s chair resulted in a movie that, while uneven in spots, allowed fans a sigh of relief after the rather tepid fan reception of Star Trek V.
And it’s near perfect in every way: good-looking sets, delightful visual effects courtesy of ILM, wonderful performances, a rousing space battle, and an intriguing whodunnit. Highlights include Hikaru Sulu, Captain of the U.S.S. Excelsior (finally!), a glorious Kirk vs. Kirk fist fight, an enormously entertaining Christopher Plummer as General Chang, Colonel Worf acting as counsel to Kirk and McCoy, and a dying Ghorkon pleading with Kirk “Don’t let it end this way”.
On the soundtrack front, Cliff Eidelman steps in to provide the score, and while I don’t believe it’s as nice as the compositions from Jerry Goldsmith or James Horner, it has a certain haunting, urgent quality that goes well with a story that heavily involves Klingons.
Only real nits: Star Trek VI certainly threw Admiral Cartwright to the wolves, after making him a familiar face from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. I think it would have been a far, far braver decision to also have Saavik been the traitor to peace instead of Kim Cattrall’s Valeris, a character we’d only been introduced to at the beginning of the film. But the producers were apparently afraid that fans wouldn’t accept Saavik as a traitor.
Also, Klingon blood was established as red in the Next Generation TV series, not the bismuth looking blobs.
Finally, there’s some dodgy editing happening with the state dinner scene and also the trial. The dialogue ended up disjointed and clunky in these scenes. I’d be curious to know what got left on the cutting room floor.
As the final voyage of the original crew, Star Trek VI gave everyone the best, most appropriate send-off I could have ever wished for.
3. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
This movie has no business being as well-received as it was. It’s a Star Trek film with a light, bouncy soundtrack by Leonard Rosenman; characters who use swear words; madcap chases; no actual villain in the story; and maybe most damningly, no U.S.S. Enterprise (until the very end, that is). Critically it received near-universal accolades. Financially it was far and away the best-received Trek film of the time, appealing to fans and non-fans equally.
More commonly known as “the one with the whales”, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is a funny, warm tale about a group of fish out of water, doing their best to navigate the 20th century while on a mission to save the planet’s future. There’s very little nuance to the story or the plot; the audience and the crew make their way from one situation to another, trying to find 20th century solutions to 23rd century problems and vice-versa. And it’s even more glorious than it sounds.
Directed by Leonard Nimoy and co-written with Nicholas Meyer, there’s not a single main character who isn’t given the spotlight at some point. Kirk tells a cabbie “well, double dumb-ass on you!” and gets a romantic interest (because duh). Spock mind-melds with Gracie and gets to tell Kirk “One damn minute, Admiral”. McCoy gets to practice his style of medicine and discuss philosophy with his newly resurrected crewmate. Sulu gets to fly an antique Huey. Uhura translates whalespeak. And best of all, Chekov pricelessly bumbles his way through an interrogation by U.S. military intelligence officials. The characters in this movie matter, their friendships are the key to the success of the mission, and as a result, we all care about the outcome.
My only complaint, which seems so lame as I make it, is that the bridge of the captured Klingon vessel (renamed the USS Bounty) in no way resembles the bridge seen in the previous movie, Star Trek III. I’m pretty sure a Bird of Prey is too small a vessel for a secondary bridge, nor would the crew have access to Klingon technology to “refit” the original. I like continuity, and it kind of bugs me that they didn’t even seem to try.
Also, I really would have liked to know where Gillian Taylor ended up. Did she see Kirk around the galaxy? Did she team up with Dr. Carol Marcus to try to use Genesis technology to repopulate humpback whales?
At the end of the movie, the crew is escorted through space dock to their new assigned vessel, we find out it’s a Constitution class vessel with the registry NCC-1701-A, and everyone’s home again. As it sails off majestically from port, Kirk says “let’s see what she’s got” as they sail off to warp, and that’s when Shatner goes and takes a giant dump on the franchise with the next film.
But hey. The one with the whales. We can always just re-watch it.
2. Star Trek: First Contact
I’m a big fan of the Borg, a big fan of Picard, and a big fan of action-epic films, and you know what, Star Trek: First Contact gave me everything I could have ever hoped for in a Star Trek film.
Jonathan Frakes sat down in the directors’ chair, and he and the script writers knew immediately what to do. They reminded us what a lethal, frightening enemy the Borg were. They added gruesome horror elements. They added moments of levity with the secondary characters. They knew when to add Magic Carpet Ride to the soundtrack. They added amazing camera work, costumes, makeup, and visual effects.
And most importantly the design team came up with the U.S.S. Enterprise-E, the most badass starship ever to bear the NCC-1701 registry.
They also gave us Dixon Hill and the Holodoc and Reginald Barclay. They gave us a version of Zephram Cochrane that nobody expected in a thousand years. They gave Levar Burton his (kinda-sorta) actual eyes back. They gave Data a skin graft and a chance to practice his multiple techniques..
They gave us a gorgeous battle between Starfleet and a Borg cube. They gave us a harrowing space walk. They gave us the introduction of the alluring and deadly Borg queen.
They gave us Lily, Cochrane’s right-hand and the perfect “everyman” from the 21st century, who helps bring Picard back to reality after he breaks his little ship.
First Contact was nothing short of a gift, one that came at the exact moment the franchise needed it.
1. Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan
Big surprise, right? Star Trek fan puts Wrath of Khan at the top of the list? Go figure.
I can’t add any meaningful commentary about Wrath of Khan hasn’t already been said, but I will point out that the worst Star Trek movie ever made tried too hard to copy the best Star Trek movie ever made.
Now excuse me while I try to avoid behaving like a 12 year old sobbing on the living room floor.
A fine example of a modern spanish recipe that takes typical and traditional ingredients – in this particular case, lots of garlic and sherry – and combines them in a way that is so impressive the dish will soon enter your repertoire of everyday meals.
INGREDIENTS
1 kg (2 lb 4 oz) boneless, skinless chicken thighs
1 tablespoon sweet paprika (pimentón)
2 tablespoons olive oil
8 garlic cloves, unpeeled
60 ml (2 fl oz – 1/4 cup) fino sherry
125 ml (4 fl oz – 1/2 cup) chicken stock
1 bay leaf
2 tablespoons chopped flat-leaf (Italian) parsley
DIRECTIONS
Trim any excess fat from the chicken and cut the thighs into thirds.
Combine the paprika with some salt and pepper in a bowl, add the chicken and toss to coat.
Heat half the oil in a large frying pan over high heat and cook the garlic cloves for 1-2 minutes, or until brown. Remove from the pan.
Cook the chicken in batches for 5 minutes, or until brown all over.
Return all the chicken to the pan, add the sherry, boil for 30 seconds, then add the stock and bay leaf. Reduce the heat and simmer covered, over low heat for 10 minutes.
Meanwhile, squeeze the garlic pulp from their skins and pound with the parsley into a paste using a mortar and pestle or a small bowl and the back of a spoon.
Stir garlic/parsley mixture into the chicken, then cover and cook for 10 minutes, or until tender. Serve hot.
As I was strolling along Kavanaugh Boulevard through the Heights this past weekend, I happened to notice something unusual in the space of a promising-sounding restaurant: an OPEN sign beckoning from the front window. I’d heard no formal announcements of the opening of That Ramen Place other than whispers of “soon”; the place has a Facebook page with zero activity and the local food blogs haven’t jumped on it yet, so this OPEN sign came as something of a surprise.
Today, with room in my stomach and curiosity in my brain, I wandered in to give That Ramen Place a try. The decor sure wasn’t much (more on that in a bit), so it was going to have to get by on the strength of its food.
Pleased to say, I think it’s going to do just fine.
UPDATE JANUARY 24, 2020: Well, that prediction didn’t exactly work out, did it? That Ramen Place is now gone for good.
I stand by my review of the ramen. I must have eaten there a dozen times since That Ramen Place opened up, and the soup, while not exactly consistent, was always top-notch. The pork tonkotsu broth was a creamy delight. The pork belly was to die for. And I miss it.
So what went wrong?
As far as I can judge, poor ownership and management killed this promising little place.
The first hint of trouble was consistency. Sometimes the Underbelly bowl had the egg in it, sometimes it didn’t. Sometimes you could get it with the tonkotsu broth, sometimes it was shia only.
Next clue was the staff turnover. In the dozen times I ate at TRP, I only saw the same serving and prep team twice. Twice. If people are signing on to work and then quitting the next week, your work environment sucks.
About three months in, I overheard a server (who made it maybe all of a month) complaining that the ownership was introducing new menu items before staff could implement them, that the ramen was changing too frequently, and that one of the owners “only cares about money”. Yikes.
The last time I tried to eat at That Ramen Place was after this year’s Arkansas Comic-Con. Picture, if you will, a group of six hungry teenagers obsessed with anime and ramen, entering a ramen noodle joint. Picture, if you will, the single employee telling them that she was the only one on shift and probably couldn’t serve all of them without taking forever. (This was around 5:45 on a Saturday. Seriously? This is one of the busiest dining nights of the week.) Picture, if you will, a single employee a few doors down at Poke Hula who was able to feed every single one of them in mere minutes.
I feel sad that this experiment failed, but I’m also angry. This should have been a win-win for the Heights. Someone let his or her ego get in the way of good restaurant management, and we all lost out in the process.
Well. This is an experience!
I won’t lie, walking in was a bit … weird. The place was empty save for one lone diner scanning a menu at one of the side tables. No indication of whether I’m supposed to “Please Seat Yourself”, or if I’m supposed to “Please Wait To Be Seated”. With no staff in sight I wandered up to the food prep / cashier counter at the back and out popped the woman whom I assume is the proprietor. She greeted me warmly (as she did with everyone who came in) and handed me the menu. I opted to sit at the counter and get a first-hand look.
The menu at That Ramen Place is short and it is simple, which is a plus in my opinion. That Ramen Place gives you two options for your meat-based broth: tonkotsu, which is creamy and pork-based; and shio, typically made from sea salt and soy. Today I opted for the Underbelly Bowl with the Shio broth, and I ordered a kimchi salad to go along with it. The Woman In Charge apologized for any delay, but honestly there was no unreasonable wait for my meal, nor did I notice other diners getting impatient. All told That Ramen Place scored perfectly fine on service.
If you like kimchi, you’ll like this.
Time to eat! Don’t let this disappointing photo fool ya; this was nice-looking in person. The kimchi salad was a delight, with crunchy, sweet cabbage and crisp cucumber coated in a wonderful kimchi paste. The paste wasn’t as strong or as spicy as I’ve had in the past, but it had an agreeable tang that was well-balanced. As the weather gets warmer, I predict this side dish will be quite welcome for Heights denizens.
Thank you for this wonderful bowl of delight. R’amen!
The Ramen was excellent, which one would hope given that’s why I was there. It was very low-frills bowl; nothing but broth, noodles, pork, green onion, a few shreds of lettuce, and sliced bamboo.
The shio broth was nicely salty, delicious, and fresh-tasting. Every spoonful of this broth felt like an explosion of flavor. I couldn’t stop saying “Mmm!” the entire time.
The noodles were more tender than I expected. For me this is a plus — I’m one of those who likes to cook my 3-minute Ramen package for 5 or 6 minutes. And some of the noodles were clumped together in a way that makes me think there might be some kinks to work out in the prep. But they sure were good, and absorbent of that exquisite broth.
The pork belly was absolutely melt-in-my mouth stellar. I like it tender and fatty, and suffice it to say, I was pleased.
My biggest surprise was the strips of bamboo, which I mistook for large-ish mushrooms of some kind. The strips had been subject to a seasoned marinade, which gave them a texture very much like a mushroom. They were pleasantly sweet, and a great addition to the bowl.
Scattered along the counter were small plastic jars of two kinds of condiments. One was a crunchy, flavorful pickled ginger, while the other was a strongly spicy paste of some kind. It reminded me a bit of horseradish. I didn’t ask what was in it, but I can still feel a slight sting on my tongue as I write this. I didn’t put either in my ramen bowl, as I felt it stood proudly on its own without needing any adjustment, but I’m glad I tried them on the side so I know what’s when next time I go.
Oh yes, there will definitely be a next time. That Ramen Place sure nailed its first impression on the food. I’m looking forward to eating more of it!
Still Got The Factory Sticker On It
I see a red door, and I want to paint it black.
It’s obvious from the moment you walk in that That Ramen Place is still a work in progress. Strings of lights along the ceiling create a good funky vibe. Everything else is black. Seating in scattered around the dining room, booth seats alternating with silver and black chairs. The walls are painted matte black. The floor is polished black textured concrete. The tabletops are painted black. As of this writing there are no decorations or adornments on the walls of any kind. I kind of felt like I’d wandered into Darth Vader’s castle on Mustafar. It’s like they asked the question from Spinal Tap: “How much more black could this be, and the answer is none… none more black.”
Other signs of growing pains included a missing wastebasket in the restroom, no restroom signage, no soda fountain (yet), no take-out service, water glasses that are on the smallish side, and an awkwardly-interfacing Point Of Sale terminal. There’s what looks like a wet bar on one side of the room, just standing there, wanting to be used and loved. Why is it there? We need answers.
I overheard the proprietor(?) assuring customers that they’d be getting more equipment and more resources in the near future, so I assume this spot will get some of the TLC it needs. In the meantime, she was so charming, and happy, and bubbling warmly at everyone. She answered generously when customers had questions about items or ingredients. She was obviously passionate about what she’s doing. I don’t know who she is, I only know I want her to succeed.
Thank you, That Ramen Place, for a splendid lunch!
Address: 301 N Shackleford Rd Suite F3 Little Rock, Arkansas / Phone: (501) 414-8433 / Hours: 11:00 AM – 9:00 PM Mon-Fri; 11:00 AM – 9:30 PM Sat
Ramen blah blah blah, Japan blah blah blah, poor college student blah blah blah, authentic blah blah blah, Heart Hospital blah blah blah Little Rock. There! That’s out of the way let’s walk into Aji Ramen Bar and see if it delivers. (Spoiler: Yes.)
Aji’s footprint is itty bitty. Tables and countertops line every square inch of available space along the walls. Elbow to elbow with everyone in the room, there’s a sense of the lively bustle of a downtown Tokyo joint. Our first step into Aji’s confined spaces found us amidst a small throng of people packed around the front door.
Be ready to make lunch buddies with your fellow Ramen enthusiasts.
We stood among the entrance crowd for a few minutes. Do we “please seat ourselves” or do we “please wait to be seated”? Pro tip: just because there are empty seats does not mean you get to walk up and claim them. A host or hostess will eventually come along and put you where you need to be.
Not long after the hostess took our name, Spouse and I were seated at our table. We were glad we dressed warmly, ‘cuz our table was right near the entrance, with only a crowd of hungry diners standing between us and the chilly bluster outside. Suffice to say we felt every patron entering and leaving.
Sake to me!
Our server asked if we wanted anything to drink, and really without thinking about it, I said “Sake”. I’m at a ramen bar and I’m going all in on the experience, right?
I expected a shot glass sized portion, or maybe a wine glass. What I didn’t expect was a small glazed carafe. Whoa. That’s more than I bargained for. Spouse doesn’t care for sake, so this was all me.
I really don’t know why I ordered sake. Sake, bitter and sour, is not my jam, and whatever brand they were slinging really didn’t change my mind. But it was warm, delivered a pleasant buzz, and kept me occupied while we waited for the food to arrive. I poured shot after shot after shot into the tiny glass and I kept thinking “Surely I’m near the bottom now”, but it just kept coming until I told myself “enough is enough”. Spouse, luckily, was driving today.
One of the eight Takayoki which made its way to our table.
Our server strongly hinted that we should try the Takoyaki appetizer. We’re terribly glad he did. These bite-sized appetizers were an experience of flavor and texture that surprised and delighted. For this app, octopus is pureed, fried, and served with a delightful cream sauce and thin slices of squid. The outside was crispy and well seasoned, while the interior was velvety and delicious, with a small chunk of octopus flesh to add to the texture. Spouse, not normally a fan of this kind of seafood, actually enjoyed it. The tidy portion size meant we could proceed to our ramen entrees without being over-stuffed.
And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for … the arrival of the ramen bowl!
I ordered the Cha-Siu Ramen(pork broth with pork belly, soft boiled egg, onion, black mushrooms, and chili hair) with an extra hit of egg and green onions. Spouse ordered the Chicken Ramen(same as above, except with marinated chicken instead of pork). If you want to see what else they have on the menu, I invite you to click here.
For whatever reason, my ramen bowl came out several minutes before hers. Well, when I say “mine” it was actually her chicken ramen; some kind of mix-up on the line led to our meats getting switched. I was several bites in before I got to the meat, and noticed “Hey! This isn’t pork belly!” and sure enough it wasn’t, but boy, that chicken was fabulous. By the time the other bowl arrived, we were able to swap out the meats and dine away happily.
The first issue I needed answers to was the broth. I dipped my large plastic soup spoon into a corner of the bowl and let it fill with nothing but. That first sip was confirmation that we were in for a treat. I tasted a rich, abundant pork flavor, bold yet delicate, and best of all, fresh. You could add just about any ingredient to this broth and make it sing. Spouse, still awaiting her (my) bowl, had a sample, and agreed that it was excellent. Just recalling that first taste of this broth makes me want to go back for more right now, except I have this stupid blog post to write.
Pictured above: Not what I ordered, but still amazing.
So how about them noodles, anyway? I fished out a string with my chopsticks and friends, there’s no going back to packaged ramen after this. The freshly made noodles still cling to the essence of whatever wheat flour they used, along with a subtle essence of things green and earthy, with the proper amount of firmness. Orthodox Pastafarians would declare, rightly, that they had been touched by His Noodly Appendage.
The boiled eggs, as well as the chicken and pork belly, are apparently marinated in a soy brine for some time before being cooked and included in the ramen bowl. They were all divine. The chicken was a real surprise; the chunks were nice and meaty and tender. Another surprise was the canned corn (fresh corn probably not being a thing found on the Japanese mainland?), but being a Midwestern boy, I was happy to eat it all up. The non-spicy chili hairs had a nice concentrated red pepper flavor, plus they looked purty.
When Spouse’s (my) bowl finally arrived with all its pork belly glory, I experienced an initial moment of “meh” of a dry, fleshy bit of the belly until I found several bits of roasty, fatty delight. I took a bite, and paused to close my eyes for a moment and just reflected on how awesome life is when something is just right. Like this bite of pork belly, bathed in that magnificent broth. Mm.
Sake Tower must be appeased.
The slight snafu with our orders notwithstanding, the service at Aji Ramen Bar was top notch. The turnover was quick; the diners arrived hungry and left happy in record time. Our server was friendly, efficient, and quick to offer suggestions and information on the elements of our meal. Deft at navigating the crush of people, quick to deliver our European chopsticks (aka fork) to our table, he also gave us suggestions on the optimal time to arrive at Aji so as not to get lost in the crowd.
The most amusing moment came as we were paying our check. Our server checked the sake decanter and discovered I had not yet drunk all of the sake. (That was not by accident.) “One more!” and poured it into the tiny glass. Ugh. I took a slug, put the glass down. “One more!” he said again, emptying the contents, and I took my final drink of that stuff. Remember, going all in on the experience!
For my efforts, he rewarded me with a bright smile and a double high-five. Gods (Quob included), I love this place already.
As we walked out of Aji across the cold drizzly parking lot, our tummies sloshing with ramen and me wobbly from the sake, we agreed how satisfied we were. I promised myself I’d get out and try new places more often, but I may sneak back to Aji first.
The only question that’s on my mind now, given the obvious success of Aji Ramen Bar and the appeal of ramen to the city of Little Rock:
Address: 12911 Cantrell Rd., Suite 18 Little Rock, Arkansas 72223 / Phone: (501) 313-5335 / Hours: 11:00 AM – 2:30 PM, 5:00 PM – 10:00 PM
Anyone with a fondness for Indian grub knows that we already have a groovy scene going on here in Little Rock. Now Dogtown welcomes its newest option: Saffron Indian Cusine.
Located in one of the many strip malls that line western Cantrell Road, Saffron might be easy to overlook. Sort of a “you have to know it’s there, to know it’s there” kind of location. My fondness for my Indian food, combined with the fact that this place is New To Me, led me to lunch there one sunny afternoon to conquer its buffet.
Saffron Indian Cuisine’s interior is chic and cozy.
Having heard good things about the food, I looked forward to the business of stuffing my face. The wonderful aromas of India struck me the moment I stepped through the door, which made me optimistic. The interior of the restaurant is a bit compact for a buffet, but I was surprised at how well people were able to get to and from their tables to the line.
I was struck almost immediately that the buffet didn’t have the huge variety of choices available at other Indian buffets here in town, but maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Quality over quantity, right? As I always do, I started with a rice base on my plate, which helps absorb the various curries and sauces, and piled on the offerings.
Presenting the buffet at Saffron Indian Cuisine, or at least part of it.
Among the highlghts and lowlights:
The buffet sported a rich red curry with paneer (Indian cheese); it had excellent flavor, but I only found one lone chunk of the cheese floating in the sauce. I’d have liked more.
I was anxious to try the Curried Goat, there was no meat in the sauce, just a lonely cinnamon stick swimming at the bottom. It was the same situation on my second trip through the line. By the time they finally got some actual goat out there, I was already paying my check.
The Saag (spinach) with Chicken was the highlight of this visit. Friends, I have to say, I’ve eaten saag dishes in numerous Indian joints. It’s one of the things I most look forward to when dining Indian. This might be my favorite I’ve ever had. Bursting with flavors and spices, rich, salty, and with a really hot kick to it, this saag was next level. I could eat this forever and ever, if I had to.
I was wary of the Sweet & Sour Veg that came in a toxic-looking bright orange sauce, so I only served myself a meager spoonful, but it was pleasantly tangy and tasted fresh. As a final note, “Sweet and sour” seemed a misnomer because there really was no “sweet” component.
The Chicken Tandoori was adequate. The seasoning and sauce were pleasant, but my palate likes the sauce to be brighter, more tangy. Also, the chicken didn’t convey the subtle smoky, charred taste of the tandoor oven, which for me is the whole point of tandoor preparation. But it was well-cooked and moist, so credit where due.
I sampled the agreeable pakoras and medu vada. I noted with interest that scattered amongst the pakoras were small, bright green leaves that I couldn’t identify.
The Sambar Soup, which is lightly curried lentils vegetables with hearty chunks of carrot, onion, and eggplant, wasn’t life-changing but it had a good hearty flavor. My only real issue with the soup is that they only offer these really teeny tiny bowls for you to serve it into. I was afraid these huge hunks of vegetables would come hurtling over the sides.
It’s a basket full of naan-sense!
About midway through my first plate, the hostess apologized profusely for the tardiness of my basket of naan bread. I just sort of shrugged, because to me, a) naan is usually just kind of filler, and b) I never finish it and I feel like a big wasteful buffoon. But when that basket arrived, I understood. I really did. This naan was a great complement to the food. Crispy on the outside, bready on the inside, with a char that sets off the flour and the salt, I was very pleased. (I still didn’t finish it, though.)
The food was more positive than negative, by far. You know you’re eating real Indian food when you’re spitting out the occasional cardamom seed or chunk of star anise. Part of the experience, right? I’m curious to return to see what they will offer on different days of the week.
While I really really wanted to work the lyric “I’m just mad about Saffron” into this review, it’s hard to overlook glitches in the staffing and service I witnessed. The restaurant had one beleaguered staff member in charge of seating customers, ringing up the register, slinging naan baskets, filling and refilling water glasses, and who knows what else. The two other staff I saw seemed focused only on busing tables — and even then, the table to me went un-bused until another couple was seated there. More than one customer arrived at the front door. And stood there. And stood there. And stood there some more. Until finally they had to chase someone down to get seated. Then of course there was the Mystery of the Missing Goat and the Tale of the Tardy Naan. Perhaps Saffron was short staffed during this particular buffet, but I thought the whole dynamic was in need of serious fine-tuning.
Saffron definitely has their groove on with the food, so I feel it might be worth my time to get there during non-buffet hours to order off the menu. I’m crossing my fingers that the kinks I observed this visit were just an unfortunate off-day.
Address: 2630 S Shackleford Rd Little Rock, AR 72205 / Phone: 501-404-0144
Reading all the various food blogs that cover our abundant restaurant scene in Little Rock, it occurred to me that there are far too many places that have been on my radar, that locals say this place is awesome, and that for whatever reason I haven’t visited. “Oh, I need to try that sometime” is something I say way too often to anyone who’ll listen. And also, “I haven’t written anything in a while! Let’s take care of that!” So today, I made it a point to get out to Tacos 4 Life, located in the Shackleford Crossings shopping center. And then write about it.
There’s a real, worthwhile, feel-good reason to visit this restaurant: Tacos 4 Life tackles hunger by donating a portion of each meal to Feed My Starving Children. But unicorns and rainbows could only carry the concept so far: customers are also going to want a decent meal to go along with their purchase. Can they expect one?
I’m happy to report that the meal was satisfying, and I’m looking forward to returning.
I arrived at the location around 11:30, which is usually when Little Rock is in full “get yer lunch on” mode. I noticed right away that the lot surrounding the building was full of vehicles, and counted myself lucky to find a parking spot toward the rear. The place is happening.
Lunch time at Tacos 4 Life was rather lively.
Having no preconceived notion of the franchise, I was expecting a kind of fast-casual experience like, say, Chipotle. I didn’t expect the dining room to be so cavernous! It was more like a funky cantina-style vibe, with a bright interior, strings of lights, and high wood-beamed ceilings. Definitely a great place to enjoy some tacos. Had the day been more agreeable, I would have chosen to sit out on the pleasant patio at the rear of the building. Maybe next spring.
The food process was pretty simple and expedient. I placed my order at the counter, received my number and a plastic cup full of Paradise Punch, and took my seat at a two-top near the side entrance. Quick side note: When I arrived I danced right up to the order-taker slash cashier with no wait, but the time I finished up and left, there was a line of maybe a dozen customers. This place is poppin’! Judge your arrival thusly.
Buffett soundtrack not included.
“Paradise Punch? What the hell is Paradise Punch?” I hear you ask. It’s punch. Non-alcoholic, sweet, fruity … but with a touch of coconut. I’d just been on the treadmill for an hour, so this really hit the spot, but of course it undid my being on the treadmill for an hour. The straw comes with a small black phony mustache, which is a genius way to get people to take selfies with their beverages, thereby giving Tacos 4 Life a whole mess of free social media publicity.
Around ten minutes after I sat down, at typical fast-casual speed, my order arrived.
Behold! The Spicy Chorizo Taco Meal! With a side of Cilantro Pesto Rice!
The tacos were way larger than I expected. Local favorite Local Lime, who (still) slings my favorite tacos in town, uses much smaller tortillas. By comparison, these felt enormous. Not that I’m complaining! I’m just used to more … ahem … stingy sized tacos.
First, the chorizo. It was top notch. Not quite at the lofty level as Local Lime’s chorizo, but it comes awfully close. And it felt like a mountain of it had been stuffed into the tortilla. Very cumin-forward, dense yet crumbly, brimming with flavors of garlic and other spices. My first couple of bites I thought “ehhh, this isn’t really spicy” but as I progressed through the meal, there was a definite slow burn building. So, A+ to you, Tacos 4 Life, for getting the chorizo right.
The chorizo tacos come topped with Mexican corn, and cotija cheese, and fried jalapenos. The corn and cheese didn’t really contribute anything remarkable to the tacos. They were fine, but they were also like “whatever”. The real revelation was the fried jalapenos. I didn’t read the menu description beyond the word “chorizo” so I was expecting these to be pickled jalapenos. Imagine my surprise when I took a bite — and instead of a jalapeno, it was akin to eating a tiny chile relleno! Instead of a one-note pepper, there was a depth of fried goodness and well cooked chile. This was a really neat touch. Mind blown.
The rice was perfectly cooked, and the cilantro pesto was … for lack of a better word … interesting. Kind of bitter, and kind of earthy, I thought it could be brightened up a bit. I ended up liking it after adding a squeeze of lime and a dash of hot sauce, a variety of which is available abundantly by the fountain drink machine.
All in all, this was a happy little outing. I thought back to the moment when I’d just sat down at my table, and a server walked by with a platter of the Ultimate Nachos that another customer had ordered, and thought “those will be mine some day.” For now, my belly satisfied, and also my conscience, I knew I’d be returning.
Our son’s Boy Scout troop went on a weekend campout in the Cossatot River region, and in a show of solidarity, my wife and I decided to tag along. I’d never heard of this state park before, or the Cossatot, but having been there, I urge anyone who finds themselves in in western Arkansas to visit.
But the point of this article is not to ooh and aah over the beauty of the Cossatot or the amazing park staff at the Visitors’ Center, but rather, to talk about the encounters we had with the local wildlife. Because you can bet that The Natural State earned its reputation, and then some, on this trip.
So here in no particular order are the beasts we experienced there.
Coyotes
Other than the two taxidermied animals on display at the Cossatot River State Park Visitor Center, we never laid eyes on an actual coyote. But we certainly heard them off in the distance! Never during the day, mind you. Only at night, or early in the morning, when we weary campers were busy trying to get our beauty rest. The howling was shrill and seemingly endless. During an impromptu astronomy lesson in the middle of the night, the boys heard the howls and thought it was people pranking us. “Actually,” I said, “I believe those are coyotes”. Coyotes?!? Half the boys nope nope noped their way back to camp immediately.
As menacing as coyotes look and sound, they typically don’t pose a direct threat to humans… though you’d do well to keep an eye on your outdoor pets.
Spiders
Female wolf spider with young. Northshore Trail, Flower Mound, Texas, USA. (Courtesy: Wikipedia)
They grow our favorite eight-legged freaks big in the Cossatot region. Wolf spiders, correctly identified by one particularly sharp Scout, were common around our campsite and the cabin around which we had gathered. One of the boys spotted a female carrying her young, as in the photo above. Another wolf spider decided to “help” us strike a tent on our departure day. As fearsome as the wolf spider may appear, you have to work pretty hard to provoke it into biting you — and no known fatalities from its venom have been recorded.
Image courtesy: BBC
As we were gathering our belongings and getting ready to hit the road, one scout noticed a black widow crawling onto his backpack. A black widow won’t bite unless you are giving her a really good reason, but the venom of the female black widow spider is highly toxic, plus she was acting pretty agitated as we tried to urge her from the crevasses of the (understandably freaked out) scout. It’s hard not to shudder, thinking that there we were, camped out on the ground with these things surrounding us! Are you ready for the outdoors now?
Yeah, the creepy-crawly factor was strong with the Cossatot region, and the spiders were actually the least of our worries. Which brings us to…
Giant Red Headed Centipede
Image courtesy: Missouri Department of Conservation
One part of the Scout trip was a service project that involved cleaning up the nature trail near the impressive Cossatot River Bridge. I was with another scout, a bit off the trail from the rest of the group, when I spotted a critter just like the one pictured above slithering our way. I cautioned the boy to keep his distance and called out to our guide what I had found. “Everybody get back!” she cautioned. Using her trash picker, she was able to grab it and show it to our group. “If you see one of these, stay away!” This critter’s venom can cause moderate to severe reactions in people, ranging from nausea to heart attack, and were apparently quite the nuisance to camping soldiers in the Civil War.
While she didn’t know its official name at the time, a Google search revealed that this is known as the giant red-headed centipede. Seems fitting enough!
Northern Water Snake
During the troop’s river snorkeling adventure (which uncovered a whole other level of cool invertebrates including crawfish and water pennies), we encountered a Northern Water Snake squiggling through the water, stopping occasionally to poke its head up out of the water to breathe. This species is small and nonvenomous, though at first (as I declare in the video) it sure appeared to have the markings of a copperhead snake. Of course, we had nothing to fear from this fellow, who was probably looking for a place to get some sun without being bothered.
Okay… are we ready for the critters to get less unpleasant? Let’s move on, then!
Walking Stick Bugs
Image courtesy: National Geographic Kids
Not so easy to spot this fellow! A master of camouflage, the walking stick (in the order of phasmids) can completely disappear almost anywhere on a tree or branch. The five-legged one we found crawling into the troop’s garbage can, however? Not so much. With a little patience, we were able to rescue the critter and set it free to live the rest of its days, but not before gathering around to check it out and reflect on how cool it was. My son also found a deceased walking stick bug around the campsite, and insisted on giving it a proper cremation at the campfire later that night. So, that happened.
Armadillos
Image courtesy: Arkansas Democrat Gazette
Dead armadillos are not hard to find in Arkansas; in fact, our caravan narrowly avoided running over a couple on the final leg of our journey to the campsite. Seeing a live one in the wild here in Arkansas is a different story, one that we were happy to experience. During part of our service project that involved blazing a certain trail, I spotted a grayish-brown blob, roughly soccer ball sized, about twenty yards off the path. It started to wriggle, and then raised its comically tiny little head. We stayed for a bit to watch it forage through the leaves and ground cover before proceeding to the trail’s end.
The western Arkansas animal kingdom is a wonderful, wide, and varied, and certainly we enjoyed seeing and hearing critters that we city-slickers don’t experience in our urban setting.
A few months ago, my 11 year old son asked if he could watch “that movie with HAL”. He was referring to the 1968 Stanley Kubrick classic 2001: A Space Odyssey.
“I don’t think you’d enjoy 2001,” I replied, even though I consider it one of the greatest films of all time. I thought it’d challenge his attention span; after all, this is a movie that takes its time getting anywhere and explains very little along the way. And the shots are long. So, so long. Kids these days! They don’t have the attention span for long shots.
Especially when what feels like 75% of the movie is shots like this.
But the other night he insisted on a movie night with his family. And when your kid, on the cusp of becoming a cranky teenager asks for a movie night with his family, you do not turn him down. I asked what he wanted to watch. “Cars 3?” No, not on video. Not until November, I informed him.
He then insisted. “I want to watch 2001!”
Just to reiterate: we’ve gone from Cars 3 to 2001: A Space Odyssey, within the firing of a few neurons. Ka-Chow!
Meanwhile, back in the ’70s…
Now’s the part where I include an annoying flashback sequence.
I was born in 1968, the same year that 2001: A Space Odyssey was released. My dad was a huge admirer of the film; I don’t recall the specific moment when he made me aware of it, but I remember that several years later 2001 was going to be broadcast on TV (the only way you could watch stuff when we were kids), and he urged me to watch it with him. I found it absolutely fascinating. In 1976, Marvel Comics issued a giant-sized comic version of 2001 illustrated by Jack Kirby, which I read from front to back dozens of times. The comic, and the Arthur C. Clarke novel, combined to plug the huge gaps in my understanding of the movie.
So now my son was insisting on watching 2001. Well, why not? He’s a big fan of other thoughtful, grounded science fiction like The Martian, Arrival, Contact, and Interstellar. So despite my reservations, I fetched a digital copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey in HD from the Windows store, pressed Play, and we settled in.
The Movie Rolls
Another revelation: I’ve never seen 2001 the way it was meant to be seen (in a theater, duh). I’d only ever seen it on TV: a crappy, washed-out, 480i NTSC broadcast with a 4:3 aspect ratio. Now, I have a decent mid-range home theater projector that is more faithful to the look and tone of actual film, and also conveys the full-frame 16:9 picture. The difference was night and day, or should I say, “Dawn of Man” vs. “Stargate”. Throughout the movie, the colors were more vibrant, more exciting, and more awe-inspiring than I ever knew possible. I could see why Dad and his generation fell in love with it.
The Dawn of Man sequence, far from being BORING to an 11 year old mind as I feared, was in reality a riveting visual tale of struggle, survival, dominance, and death. I anticipated having to explain the appearance of the Monolith, how it drew our early ancestors to it, and how it resulted in their uplift. But my boy was ahead of me. The only question I had to answer definitively was that no, these were NOT animals, these were actors (specifically, mimes) in costume.
We transitioned to the Space Waltz sequence, which is awesome no matter how old you are, and probably the reason 99% of us know Strauss’ Blue Danube. We eventually journeyed with Heywood Floyd through the fiction of the “outbreak” and on to the moon, indulging in the lush, colorful, and striking sets and visual effects.
It was sometime around this point that I realized — and remarked — that the film was almost 50 years old. My son was blown away. “Oh my god!” he said. “I thought this movie was way more recent!”
No, dude, this film is as old as I am, but way better-looking.
We continued to watch 2001 in relative quiet. Occasionally I’d plant little seeds of insight or explanation into the story, but he had a few observations along the way. I remember “Why is she (the flight attendant) wearing that thing (a silly white ball) on her head?” on the way to Space Station V. (I theorized it was for head protection in a weightless environment, but I suspect the real reason is so they didn’t have to figure out how to recreate the effects of weightlessness on long hair.) There was a snarky “Why would anyone build a space station and not finish it?” and a more awed “It must have taken a long time to build that place” when Floyd’s moon lander arrives at Clavius, and is swallowed up into the cavernous landing bay beneath.
Just What The HAL Is Going On?
At this point, there’s been a lot of movie, but no HAL, and the boy asked, somewhat confused “Is this the movie with HAL?” I explained that yes, this was the movie with HAL-9000, and we’d be getting to that part before much longer. There was much rejoicing.
He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good and will murder you either way.
At long last, we’re introduced to the Discovery and her crew, along with the AI who is practically perfect in every way. I could see my son absorbed in the beautiful sets of the ship, the depiction of day-to-day life for the astronauts, and the design of the spacecraft itself. He observed, and I had to admit, that Frank Poole’s morning workout that included air-boxing seems comical in retrospect, but other than that, no element on board the Discovery comes across as dated.
The boy didn’t say a whole lot during the Discovery sequence. HAL himself, with his creepy, quiet, whispery, monotone, proved as fascinating as he expected. I can’t recall any notable remarks, apart from a slight giggle when HAL started to sing Daisy during his deactivation sequence.
Discovery reaches the monolith at Jupiter, Dave Bowman sets out to investigate, and to my surprise, my son actually sits through the interminably long Stargate sequence, offering only a “Trippy” remark near its beginning.
“Totally trippy, dude.”
At the conclusion of the journey, he’s a bit confused about why Dave Bowman is shaking and shivering in his pod, sitting in this grand bedroom. But he’s engrossed as Bowman watches himself settle in, live to a ripe old age, and “die” in his bed. He gets it. All of it. Right up until the Star Child is born and approaches earth. And this was his one serious WTF moment. “Wait, what? Okay… so he got old… and died… and now he’s a fetus?”
I laughed and said “I’m sure at this point, you have a lot of questions.”
Indeed he did, and I told him that a few of those would be answered in the sequel 2010: The Year We Make Contact, which we started watching immediately. He enjoyed that movie also.
So, the takeaway? I’m not going to underestimate my son again. Thanks to his persistence, I got to enjoy 2001 with my son, the way my dad watched it with me. May this movie keep the father-son bond alive until 3001 and beyond.
